Divorce is tough on kids, no doubt about it. They are the innocent victims of broken marriages. No matter what age, kids will feel the effects of divorce in their lives in some way or another. Here are some tips on how to help your kids cope with a divorce in your family.
The family unit is vital to the normal development and health of children. Your marriage is a crucial element of this process. So when that breaks down, you are responsible for picking up the pieces and working extra hard to ensure your children are as okay as they can be. It’s not just your relationship; it’s your kids’ as well.
This might be unchartered territory for you, so it’s normal to feel nervous or uncertain about how to broach the topic with your kids. But it’s absolutely necessary to your kids’ well-being that you do it.
Here are some tips for helping your kids cope with divorce in the family:
1. Be open and honest.
Tell your kids what is happening. Keep it short and age-appropriate. Don’t burden children with adult subject matter or long-winded explanations; a simple statement like “Mom and Dad can’t get along anymore” is enough for smaller children. Older children may ask questions and need more information; but be careful about giving too many details.
Remind your kids that even though you aren’t together anymore, parents never divorce or stop loving their kids, no matter what.
Let them know that some things will change and some things will stay the same, and that Mom and Dad will be with them every step of the way.
Don’t sugar-coat it. It’s not going to be all rainbows and butterflies, and kids shouldn’t be duped into expecting that. However, don’t be all doom and gloom either. Be matter of fact, be truthful – but less is more when it comes to details and above all, let them know you love them and the family will still be a family.
Let the children know that they did NOTHING to cause or contribute to your marriage’s failure. It is never their fault.
2. Listen.
Some children will be sad, some will be angry. Some will seem fine, but then something will happen to let you know they aren’t. Overeating, bedwetting, fighting, grades slipping – these are all signs that your child is suffering.
From the get-go, you need to let your kids express themselves. Listen to them with patience and reassurance. If they need to vent, let them vent. If they need to cry, let them cry. Hold them, hug and kiss them, tell them over and over that you love them. Just be there for them.
If you notice your kid is in a bad mood, encourage them to talk about it. Let them know that they can say anything to you without judgment. You may not be able to fix it, but acknowledging their feelings rather than dismissing them shows that you hear and understand them.
3. Work together.
Resolve to work together as parents. Your marriage didn’t work, but you two are stuck together until the kids turn 18, and maybe even longer. So you might as well learn how to co-parent for the health and well-being of the children.
Don’t blame the other parent, don’t badmouth the other parent to the kids. Don’t fight in front of the children. Communicate with each other; not through the children. Realize that while you may have certain negative feelings against your ex, he or she is still your children’s parent. It is in your kids’ best interest to have a healthy relationship with each parent, so do your best to encourage and foster that relationship.
4. Don’t spoil the kids.
Many parents feel guilty for divorcing, and their tendency is to ease up on discipline or give the kids anything they want. Resist this temptation, as it won’t do your kids any good. They don’t need stuff, and they certainly don’t need unrestricted freedom – what they really need is love and stability.
Children are happiest when they feel safe and secure. Regular healthy routines, boundaries, expectations and even consequences, provide stability and create feelings of safety and trust. Work together with your ex to determine these routines, rules, etc. so that the status quo is maintained even at the other parent’s house.
5. Take care of yourself.
Don’t forget, you are your child’s best teacher. However you handle stress, anger, emotions, etc. is likely how your children will grow up to handle them.
Take care of yourself. Exercise, eat well, see a therapist if you need to, maintain your physical, mental, spiritual, and psychological well-being. Don’t turn to food, drugs, alcohol, or unhealthy relationships. Don’t shut down and become emotionally unavailable. Don’t blame. Accept what is, acknowledge your failures, forgive yourself, and move forward. There is life after divorce!
A healthy, happy parent can see the bigger picture, maintain a positive outlook even in the face of adversity, persevere through tough times, and maintain their integrity and character. THIS is a wonderful lesson for your children.